My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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