She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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