that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
