she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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