So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
