Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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