So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
