What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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