I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
pray to the hookup gods
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
