hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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