She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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