I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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