i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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