nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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