it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
