Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
