I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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