dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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