HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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