I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize