Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
