I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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