Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think I died a long time ago.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
