I heard we made out
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
