got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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