In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
