In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
