I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Sober January is a disaster.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
