The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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