By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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