R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm too high and old for this...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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