I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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