My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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