wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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