You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
