That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
