I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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