i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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