Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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