Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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