just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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