I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
