i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
