Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So gin and wine won't be happening again
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
