I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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