i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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