Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
