My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
