Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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