I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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