Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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