I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
