I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
