Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
