My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
