Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize