Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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