Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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